He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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