oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
