I want to make a zoo with you.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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