your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
