I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
