I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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