I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
