i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
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