She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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