finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
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I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
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Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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