you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
