i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
