I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
