my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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