woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
