Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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