update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
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i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
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I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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