before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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