Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Randomize
