Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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