you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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