i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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