you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
