Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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