I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
