you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
