dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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