the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
