I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Randomize
