Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
