I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
