I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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