i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
