I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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