i just had sex bonerless
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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