I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
