I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
