There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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