Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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