mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
