I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Randomize
