matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
