the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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