I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Randomize
