i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
