Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
