Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
