he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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