moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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