isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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