I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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