Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
