I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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