Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
