I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
So many bounce houses so little time
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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